Failure. That’s the word I’ve been using to describe myself as my first year of PhD comes to an end. Closely followed by Disappointed, Discouraged, Embarrassed, Hopeless, Ashamed, and Sad. I know all these are negative emotions, and what’s worse, I feel them all at the same time.
Reflecting on the Past Year
Let’s take a step back and explore why I’m feeling this way. I started my PhD in Computer Science at Stony Brook University in August 2023. From the get-go, I found myself blaming my lack of preparedness—one major oversight being that I didn’t thoroughly read the Graduate Student Handbook to understand the program’s requirements.
To summarize the program requirements as best as I understand them: There are three core areas—Theory, Systems, and Information and Intelligent Systems. Each area includes a list of courses, and as a PhD student, you are required to take five courses across these areas. The catch? You must achieve an A- or higher in all five courses. Should you fail a course in any area, you have to select another course in that area, and again, you must earn an A-. For context, an A- equates to 90% or higher.
A Harsh Reality Check
Walking around with the label of failure is not how I would like to define myself, but it is exactly how I’ve felt. The reality of my situation hit hard when my PhD status was flagged as “Concern.” Faculty members met to discuss my standing, they spoke with my advisor, and eventually the program committee spoke to me as well. The entire process was daunting, especially since I’ve never been in such a position before.
When Hard Work Feels Like It Isn’t Enough
On Mother’s Day after coming home from church, I called my mom, as I always do, to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Yet, no words of comfort could ease the overwhelming sense of failure that had settled within me.
I buried myself under my duvet and cried—deep, uncontrollable sobs. I wasn’t just crying because I missed her or needed her support. I was crying because all my hard work felt like it had amounted to nothing. You see, I had been working tirelessly. My days were filled with intense focus, and my nights were sleepless, filled with study sessions and project deadlines. I poured everything I had into this first year, and still, my grade wasn’t where I needed it to be.
After all my efforts to talk to my professors and plead for a grade reconsideration—believing I was right on the margin—nothing changed. My grade stood, and I felt utterly defeated. I’ve never felt like more of a loser in my life than in that moment. I worked so hard, gave it everything I had, and it still wasn’t enough.
The Pressure to Succeed
The pressure to succeed in a PhD program is immense, and it can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. When you add the pressure of meeting strict academic requirements and the constant measurement of your academic prowess attributed to letters of an alphabets, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-doubt and negative self-talk. It’s a battle between knowing your potential and feeling like you’re falling short of expectations—both your own and those imposed by others.
Learning from Failure
Despite the challenges and the emotional toll they’ve taken on me, I know deep down that this experience is part of the learning process. Failure, while painful, is also a powerful teacher. It forces you to confront your weaknesses, re-evaluate your strategies, and find new ways to approach problems.
In the past year, I’ve learned that success in a PhD program isn’t just about intelligence or hard work—it’s also about resilience, adaptability, and the ability to keep moving forward, even when the path is unclear or when you stumble along the way.
When Hard Work Feels Like It Isn’t Enough
This year has also taught me a harsh truth: sometimes, hard work doesn’t always yield immediate success. We’re often told that if we work hard enough, we’ll get the results we deserve. But what happens when you put in the effort, sacrifice sleep, social life, and mental peace, and still fall short?
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the reality is, effort doesn’t always translate to success right away. And in that Mother’s Day breakdown, that’s what hit me the hardest. I thought I needed to work harder—and maybe I do—but I also know I gave my all. And recognizing that I did everything I could, yet still didn’t reach the goal, was a moment of profound pain and self-reflection.
A New Perspective Moving Forward
As I reflect on the past year, I realize that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Many PhD students face similar struggles, and it’s important to acknowledge that setbacks are a natural part of the journey. It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity, but it’s crucial to remember that these experiences don’t define me—they shape me.
I know I can do better, and I strive to be better. This experience has given me a new perspective on what it means to be a PhD student. It’s not just about achieving high grades or meeting program requirements; it’s about growth, perseverance, and the pursuit of knowledge.
Embracing the Challenge
Moving forward, I’m committed to embracing the challenges ahead with a renewed sense of purpose. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to view setbacks as opportunities for growth, and to trust in my ability to overcome obstacles.
To anyone who may be going through a similar experience, I want to say this: It’s okay to feel discouraged, but don’t let those feelings hold you back. Allow yourself to feel, to process, and then to move forward. Remember why you started this journey in the first place, and let that drive you to keep going, even when things get tough.
A Final Thought
As I enter my second year, I do so with a deeper understanding of what it takes to succeed—not just in my PhD program, but in life. I’ve come to realize that failure is not the end, but rather a stepping stone on the path to success. With each challenge, I’m becoming stronger, more resilient, and more determined to achieve my goals.
Here’s to embracing the journey, learning from every experience, and continuing to strive for excellence. My story isn’t over yet—this is just the beginning.
I will end with one of my favorite quote from one of my favorite TV shows shows scandal. This exchange was between Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) and her dad “Papa Pope” (Joe Morton)
Rowan: Did I not raise you for better? How many times have I told you? You have to be what?
Olivia: Twice as good.
Rowan: You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have.
This is me entering a new school with this mindset, I have to be twice as good 🩷
